my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
