Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
