we're chasing vodka with high fives
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
