You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
