who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
