Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
