I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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