it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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