in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
