There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
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look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
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It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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