I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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