my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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