Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
