dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
