i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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