Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
