so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
