if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
