meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
