she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
