U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
