Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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