Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
