Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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