You're my little dorito
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
