im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
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