Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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