rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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