Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
