just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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