Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
