I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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