When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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