Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
