at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
