ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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