I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
