**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
