I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
