He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
