I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
