Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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