You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
