and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
