she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
