Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
