What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
