hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
