when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
