I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
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Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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