My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
