Moan for me like Helen Keller
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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