I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
