so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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