i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
