hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
