Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
