I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
