I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
