I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
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Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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