did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
